Envy, Comparison, Pain, Hatred.

I wrote this last August 21, 2012.

Naiiyak ako. Sa hindi ko na naman maipaliwanag na dahilan. Heto’t may kaibigan akong nag sh-share sakin sa mgagandang karanasan nya, at kung paano sya unti unting nakakabangon. Oo. Masaya ako para sakanya. Pero nalulungkot rin ako para sakin. Naging honest naman ako sakanya, kako, I am torn between an envy and happy feeling for her. She’s happy right now, I’m so glad about that. She really deserves that. But I pity for myself. Why on earth I can’t feel that bliss she has right now? Oh c’mon! Don’t be so judgemental. Naiingit lang ako. Period. Naiisip ko na namang ako kaya, kailan ako makakausad sa buhay na ito at kailan ko kaya mararanasan ang mga naranasan nya? Inggitera na ko shems!

Nag kita kami kanina. Hindi dapat yun nangyari pero dahil makulit sya at may parte rin ng puso ko na gusto yung mangyari ay sumige na ako. Nag kita kami. Nag usap, kumain. Wala kaming ginawang labag sa paniniwala ng lipunan. Ni hindi kami nag hawak ng kamay. May mga pag kakataong nararamdaman kong gusto nya pang tumabi sa akin ng mas malapit pero pasimple akong kikilos, uurong at sisige sa kasalukuyang usapan. Para na namang normal ang lahat sa pagitan namin. Ewan ko ba.

Natanong nya bigla kung namis ko raw ba ang ganung tagpo naming. Kako hindi. Pero sa isip ko bubulong na naman na, “Oo sobra”. Bigla ko tuloy naalala yung indie movie na Ligo Na U Lapit Na Me. Dahil yung karakter doon ni Intoy, ako yun. Yung mapride nyang pag katao. Yung minsan ang dami nya ng gustong sabihin, marami na syang gustong gawin at itanong pero pigil na pigil sya dahil iniisip nya muna kung anong magiging resulta noon sa pag katao nya. Ako yun. Ma pride ako. Aminado ako dyan. At may mga bagay akong gustong sabihin at gawin pero hindi ko tinutuloy dahil sarili kong reputasyon ang isinasaalang alang ko. Siguro naging ganun ako dahil na rin sa sobrang pag bibigay ko noon e kagaguhan lang naman ang napala ko. Tangina talaga. Naalala ko na naman.

Maraming pag kakataong tinitigan nya ako. Nakatingin lang sya, walang salita. Ako naman e kunway may iniisip na iba, o kaya mapapatingin sa kung saan na tila hindi alintana ang mga matang nag mamatyag sa akin. May mga pag kakataon ring may bubuksan syang paksa tungkol sa nakaraan namin, at ako naman ay pabalang nasasagot. Tatawagin syang “Cheater”, sasabihing wala syang karapatang lumigaya.

Ligaya.

Masaya.

Natanong nya rin kung masaya ba ako ngayon. Kung kumusta ako. Sabi ko nalang kalahating taon na syang wala sa buhay ko, at sanay na akong mag isa. Nang walang inaalala. Na masaya ako sa anu mang mayroon ako ngayon. Sumagot naman ako. Kako masaya ako, pero nakatingin ako sa langit, at pasimpleng bumubulong na sana nga ay maging maligaya ako. Pero ang puso ko humihiyaw sa tuwing sinasabi kong masaya ako. Dahil alam nitong hindi. Kaya binago ko, kako hindi man ako masaya ngayon, darating ang panahon na makakamit ko yun. Na lahat ng sakit ay may kapalit na kaligayahan. Naniniwala ako doon. Pero nangangapa pa rin ako.

Bakit kaya ang buhay minsa’y kay lupit. Masakit. Nakakainis. Nakakainggit. Bwisit! Sana may sagot ako sa mga bagay na iyan. Sana meron gamot na pwedeng bilin dyan sa kanto, laklakin para tuluyang mapawi ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Tangina. Napapamura kong talaga. Parang gusto kong uminom. Mag lasing. Wa pake kung babae ako. Gusto ko lang makalimot sa mga nararamdaman kong sakit. Bakit kaya? Bakit kaya hindi matapos tapos ang lahat ng ito.

Kung sakaling mababasa man ito ng iba, matatawa siguro sya. Hahagalpak sa tuwa. At mapapailing, sasabihing makaka move on din ako at dumaan din sya dyan kaya alam nya ang nararamdaman ko. Iisipin nya pa sigurong ang gaga ko, para kong sira at napaka madrama kong tao. Sa mga oras na ito, gusto kong mag hagilap ng alak. Gusto kong uminom. Mag pakalasing. Kahit minsan lang. makalimot sa lahat. Kahit alam kong kinabukasan naman nun e didilat akong masakit ang ulo at puso. Na hindi naman solusyon yun, nag sayang ka na ng pera, nag sayang ka pa ng oras na sana inilaan mo nalang sa pag gawa ng plates mo. Pero kasi ang sakit e. Dapat kasi hindi ko na sya nakausap at nakita pa. Tanga ko lang shit!

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Gusto ko ng tapusin ito. Wala ng saysay. Wala ng patuntunguhan. Puro na kalokohan. Tama na. Kahit kinakatok ako ng will kong gumawa nalang, mag draft at ituon nalang doon, wala. Kahit naiisip kong tapusin nalang ang model sa sketchup na matagal na dapat na tapos, e wala parin. Mas nag focus ako sa pag tipa ng mga letrang mag papaliwanag kung gaano kabigat ng pakiramdam ko. Salamat pala sa teknolohiya, nagagawa ko toh ng mas mabilis. Haha. So saan na ako ulit ? Aah ! Iniisip ko na palang itulog nalang ang lahat ng sakit. At kung papalarin, sana maiiyak ko rin ng mabawasan kahit konti.

How To Move On

I wrote this last August 20, 2012.

Minsan naiisip ko parin, ano nga bang meron ka at hanggang ngayon di ka mawala wala sa sistema ko. Ordinayo ka lang naman. Tipikal. Ikaw yung tipong madali lang matagpuan sa kung saan lugar. Pero ewan ko ba kung bakit kakaiba ang tama ko sayo. Di kaya ginayuma mo nga ako noon tulad ng biruan natin dati?

Matagal na rin akong di nakaka pag sulat ng mahaba haba. Tagalog man o ingles. May punto man o wala. Parang nanamlay ako sa ganitong gawain. Dahil biased ang magiging dating dahil malamang sa malamang, ikaw ang magiging bida sa bawat akdang tulad nito.

Hinihintay ko lang naman yung ni-rerender kong model sa Vray. Nag papatay lang ako ng oras. Alas dose y singko na pala. Tama ba spell ko? Sa mga ganitong pag kakataon tuloy mas malayang lumilipad ang imahinasyon ko. Naiisip ko parati kung sa mga ganitong oras gising ka pa kaya? Naaalala mo pa kaya ako? Kasi ako oo. Gabi gabi. Araw araw. Ilang beses ko mang paulit ulitin sa sarili kong tapos na, tama na, wala. Matigas ang ulo ko. Pipikit parin akong tulad ng dati. Kunway nararamdaman ang presensya mo. Minsan maiisip ko pang hinahalikan mo ako’t hinahawakan ng tulad ng dati. Nung mga panahong akala ko ako lang ang iniibig mo. Maaaring pag papantasya ang tawag doon. Pero sa pananaw ko hindi.

Kung ano anong paraan na ang sinubukan ko para makalimutan ka. Andyan yung isumpa ka, magalit sayo at isiping gaganti ang karma sayo ng mas higit pa sa pag papasakit mo sakin. Andyan ding sinubukan kong lumabas o mag entertain ng ibang lalaki. Tumingin, mag hanap at manalanging sana may dumating ng bagong pag ibig sakin ng makawala na ko sa alaala mo. Meron din reverse psychology, tipong hahayaan ko lang ang sarili kong nakakausap ka parin. Itetext ka lalo at sasagutin parin ang bawat tawag mo ng kusa akong makaramdam ng pananawa sayo. Pero lahat ng paraang yun lagpak. Wa kwenta. Lahat ng yun di na katulong. Bumabalik parin ako sa realidad na ikaw parin ang mahal ko. Ikaw lang ang mahal ko at tangina, mas lalo pa yata minamahal.

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Maraming taong nag sasabing bitter raw ako. Napapangiti nalang ako ng mapakla. Tatawa ng sarkastiko at bubulong sa sarili kong wala silang alam kaya wag rin silang makialam. Pero iilang tao lang ang nag kakalakas ng loob na itanong sakin kung bakit dadala dala ko parin lahat ng hinanakit dito sa puso ko. Syempre yung mga taong nag tatanong ng ganun, e obviously hindi ko mga kaclose. Tipong saktong kilala lang nila ko, nakakabatian, nakakangitian at minsang nakakwentuhan sa mga panahong na buburyo ako. At pag tinatanong nila ko ng ganun. Napapaisip rin ako, bakit nga ba? Aba! Akala ba nila sila lang ang nag tataka kung bakit hanggang ngayon hindi parin ako makausad? Madalas ko rin namang tanong yan sa sarili ko. Bakit kaya?

Sabi ng ilan, lift it up to the Lord and all your pains will vanish. That you’ll be healed. Alam ko yan. Nagawa ko na yan. Oh well, don’t get me wrong. Malakas ang kapit ko kay God. Madalas akong mag kwento Sakanya ng mga nangyayari at nararamdaman ko. Totoo naman yun. Pag sinasabi nila sakin yun. Tatango lang ako. Ginagawa ko naman. Hindi lang isa, dalawa, tatlo, apat, lima, di ko na mabilang. Basta sa mga oras na pakiramdam ko di ko na kaya, Sakanya lang naman ako tumatakbo at umiiyak. Pero minsan napapaisip parin ako kung hanggang kailan? Kung minsan kaya nag sasawa na sakin si Lord, at mapapabulong Sya ng nag rereklamo na naman ako sa lumang issue at mas maraming tao ang dapat Nyang unahin pakinggan kesa sakin.? Pero alam kong hindi ganun. Ilang beses na bang balik balik ako ng simbahan na luhaan at pag tapos kong mag dasal, magaan na ulit ang pakiramdam ko. Para akong lowbatt na cellphone na pag naubusan ng energy tatakbo Sakanya, mag c-charge saglit at ayan, ready to fight na naman. Okey na naman ako. Wala akong doubt sa faith ko kay Lord. Saksi Sya sa lahat ng pag hihirap na naramdaman at nararamdaman ko. Minsan nga lang di ko maiwasang itanong kung, Lord, hanggang kalian ako dapat umiyak mag isa, mag pumilit tumawa, at mag tapang tapangan sa harap ng iba kahit sobrang sakit na? Pag ganun, aabante na yung kabilang part ng utak ko at sasabihin, tiwala lang. Nalagpasan mo nga yung iba, eto pa kaya?

Nakakatawang nag tatanong ako ng nag tatanong sa iba at sa sarili ko, pero alam ko naman ang sagot. Alam kong ang bawat kasiyahan ay may sakit at ang bawat sakit ay may katapusan. Ang mundo ay bilog. Iikot yan. Tulad ng minsang homily ni Father, na ang buhay ng tao ay maiihahalintulad sa babaeng nanganganak. Yung sakit na dinadanas nya walang ang angkop na salitang makakapag paliwanag. Ganun katindi. Ganun kasakit. Pero pag once na lumabas na yung baby, tapos na ang pag hihirap. Sisilay na sakanya ang matamis na ngiti. Gagaan na ang pakiramdam nya. Mawawala na ang lahat ng sakit na naramdaman nya dahil sa panganganak, at mapapalitan ng pag kasabik dahil sa wakas, nanay na sya. Ganun din raw ang pag ikot ng buhay, lahat ng sakit ay matatapos. Tiwala lang. dahil para mas pahalagahan natin ang kasiyahan, dadaan tayo sa hirap at pighati. Walang makakapag sabi kung kailan matatapos, kung saan ang hangganan nito, pero one thing is for sure, gagaling din ang bawat sugat.

Iiyak parin ako, sigurado yan. Malulungkot parin ako sa mga pag kakataong makakasalubong ko sya. Masasaktan parin ako pag sumagi sa isip kong ibang tao ang sumusuyo at nag aalaga sakanya. Magagalit parin ako pag naalala ko ang lahat ng sakit na binigay nya sakin. Mararamdaman ko parin ang lahat ng iyon. Dapat lang. Dahil tao ako, normal, marunong mag mahal at nasasaktan. Pero mas magiging matapang ako sa mga darating na araw. Dahil alam ko sa sarili kong hindi ako mag isa. Maraming taong nag mamahal sakin. At may tamang taong nilaan sakin ang Diyos. Kailangan ko lang munang matutunang mahalin at pahalagahan ang sarili ko. Matatapos din ang lahat. Ngingiti rin ako ng wagas, mag mamahal ulit ako, at mag papatawad din ako, in God’s time. 

Third Strike of Dengue.

I wrote this one last August 16, 2012.

I was discharge from the hospital yesterday afternoon. It was my 5^th time being confined in a hospital, and 3^rd time in Dengue. The first time that I had Dengue was when where still in UP Diliman, Quezon City. I was 5 years old. My parents weren’t aware then what are the symptoms of the Dengue. Nanay just told me that I’ve been having a fever for almost 5 days. They had me checked up by the doctor. But she didn’t tell them that it was already a Dengue, that’s why they take it just as a normal illness.

It was December 24 in the evening, Christmas Eve, after the opening of gifts, I bleed. Nanay kept on saying that I have to sleep but I refused because I’m so excited of playing my new toy. While I was crying and saying no to her, my nose bleeds. That was the time I was brought to East Avenue Hospital. I can’t remember each detail of the scenario since I was only a kid. But Nanay said that I was in a critical stage then. I only have 50/50 chances of living. She also told me that they were panicked, because I have to undergo a blood transfusion. Fortunately, I have a type O blood and it doesn’t take a hard time looking for a replacement. They even inserted a tube to my nose that reached up to my intestine, which will cleanse the dirt of the mosquitoes brought to my system. I’m not allowed to eat colored foods and I can’t walk, stand and even seat due of the tube. I stayed there until December 31. I survived the first strike.

The 2^nd time was two years ago. I was already in my second year college. I was having a fever from August 08, 2010, but I still attended my classes. I even went to EARIST on August 11 to surprised Vans, my current boyfriend then, for his birthday. I was having a hard time walking around because I feel so dizzy. But because I wanna make him happy, I stayed and waited him until his last class. But the day after that, I really can’t go up to bed due of high fever. That was Thursday. I was absent until Friday. But my group, Julian, Lhets, MJ and Marce, already planned that we’ll have an overnight to our house for scale model making. They went to our house Friday night. Nanay kept on insisting that I should drink a herbal medicine called Tawa-tawa because she feels like it was Dengue again. It tastes really bad! But I don’t have choice. She will only get mad. We started doing our scale model that night. We do love having an overnight together for a scale model making. Though yea, it is very tiring. Saturday morning, Nanay excused me from doing a scale model and sends me to laboratory clinic. My platelet blood dropped down and I was advised to admit in to the hospital. We went home and spread the bad news. My group mates decided to leave the house and move to Julian’s residence since I have to stay in the hospital for my treatment. As they left the house, they also brought me to the St. Vincent Hospital. As soon as the nurse placed the needle connected to tube for the dextrose to my left hand, I immediately texted Vans to inform him that I have Dengue and I was confined. But to my dismay, he only said “Ano? Bakit? Teka, may practice kami, text kita later”. Sweet isn’t it? But that was the other story. Haha. I’ll go back to Dengue issue. J

I stayed there for about 4 days. Julian, Lhets and Marce visited me with the well-done scale model. Vans visited me too, but with Ruby and Julie, who are our closest friends. Ate Jho had been my all time “Bantay” since she doesn’t have any obligation then, just her husband. After I was discharge from the hospital, I still rest at home for about 3 days before I went back to school. I cursed Dengue after that when I failed in my Calculus subject because my professor is not considerate enough. I had more than a week of absent, that’s why I didn’t take some important quizzes for the subject.

If you thought that having a Dengue for the 3^rd time is cool? Well then, think again! I was diagnosed to have a Dengue for the 3^rd time last August 11, 2012. By the way, it was Vans 19^th birthday, and we broke up November 2010. We went to the laboratory again and asked for the Dengue NH 1 this time. It is the high-tech version of CBC platelet blood test, since it gives the result whether you’re a Dengue positive or not. So I made the test, and after an hour of waiting, boom! I am Dengue Positive again for the third time. We presumed that I got it from the evacuation area we stayed for two nights. The river almost 10 meters away from our house overflowed, and because of the traumatic experienced we had way back on Ondoy’s time, we immediately left our house and go up to the higher portion of our barangay. Thank God that the water went down after awhile. But for our safety, we chose to stay to the evacuation area for two nights.

Nanay and I went home again with a bad news, just like in two years ago. She told me to stay home and rest and she’ll look for money. We are really broke right now, and we don’t have a choice but to ask for others help. I was feeling guilty and sad at the same time. I feel responsible. If only I took care of myself, If only I eat a lot of vegetable I won’t be sick. I will have a strong immune system. But I’m weak. Everybody knows that. I get sick easily. And seeing Nanay finding money desperately to send me to hospital again, breaks my heart,

When she went home, she said in a very calm voice that she cannot find anyone who can lend us some money. She went upstairs and told Toto, my ate, to break Ming Ming, her Alkansya. I went to Toto’s room and told her how feel guilty I am. I was crying. I feel so sorry. Nanay saw me and told me to pack my things and we’ll go to hospital. I was still crying. I feel so sad. Nanay just told me that I have to be safe first. That’s the priority.

We went to St. Vincent Hospital again, told the nurses that I already have a record there. They sent me to Emergency Room. I just have to wait for my turn. But I keep on complaining because of severe head ache I’m feeling. They just gave me a paracetamol as pain reliever. I feel so weak and dizzy that I keep on asking them how long will it take until they attach dextrose to my system. 

After 1 and half hour of waiting, they finally inserted the needle to my left hand for the dextrose.

They also sent me to my room which is located in the fourth floor of main building. It has 5 hospital beds, but we were only 3 patients that time.

I have a slow recovery this time. I refused eating and going up in bed, but I don’t have a choice. I have to eat. Eat and eat a lot. I also have to take a pee always. Nurse Fredie, who I really like because of his kindness, gave me a container with a measurement. I have to take down notes the amount of water I drink and I pee. It gave me a hard time since it’s really hard to pee in that container while having dextrose attached to the other hand. The doctor even told me to drink 2 liters of water a day. So almost every minute I kept on drinking drinking and drinking water and just like before I’m not allowed to eat or drink colored-foods.

I was so weak that I don’t wanna wake up just to pee and eat. I suffered a lot. But because of the medication and after I finished the 13^th dextrose, the doctor final allowed me to go home.

She told me that I only have 126 platelet counts, that it’s not yet normal, but because my Tatay was also confined due of Hypertension, she already allowed me. I just have to take a waiver that whenever happens to me outside the hospital after they discharge me, won’t be their responsibility anymore. I’m still feeling weak and a bit of light-headed but I have to be strong. If I still stay there, the hospital bill will increase again and we won’t afford that anymore. I keep on thinking for Tatay’s situation too and of course the added expenses of his hospitalization. The third strike of Dengue to me was really bad. It ruined everything. My performance in academe, our financial stability, my family even has a problem because of it, and my resistance. They keep on saying that having a Dengue for the third time is abnormal. It will weaken your strength and it has a very slow recovery. But I still thank God that again, I survived, for the third time. Now I’m still advised to rest to get back the energy that I was mislaid.