September 9,
2012 2:12 o’clock in the morning.
It’s been more than seven months since the day I broke
up with him. Yea. It might sound weird but I was the one who asked for the
breakup, but it’s me, who left hanging,
The passed few months, I thought that I got numb
already, that I still feel the sadness but I’m no longer in pain, that the
worst is through, but I’m was wrong. Ignoring him is not so easy, since were in
the same school with the same college. He’s even my classmate to one of my subject,
and at times he still call and text. Those things have been a normal thing to
me. I just bear to my mind that I should have accepted the fact that he’s still
part of my regular days even after the commitment. So ignoring him was the best
way to do.
Not until the Habagat came and destroyed some lives. He
texted me, asked me how we was, if we were okay, that we should take care
because we are in a flood prone area of Marikina. I just read the message, and
then ignored it. As I watched the news in television, it covered about all the
affected area in Metro Manila and the worst case in Quezon City were along
Araneta, near the Delos Santos Hospital, where he’s living. I got really
worried so I decided to text him and asked him if he’s okay. The same day, he
called up but I refused to answer the call. I was really determined to let it
pass and ignore him. The next day, he called again, and the day after that. He
kept on calling, so I decided to turn off my phone.
It was Friday when I opened my phone and received some
messages from him. I decided to text him back, told him what we went through
for the passed few days due of bad weather, I also told him that was sick and
it’s getting worst. The next day, I was diagnosed to have a Dengue again and
advised to confine in the hospital. I texted him, and told him the situation.
It was Sunday in the afternoon when I received a call
from unknown number, answering calls from anonymous is not my type so I just
let it pass. After the call, I texted the number and asked who he/she is, then
my phone rang again. When I answer the call, he said it him that he just wanted
to talk to me and using other’s number could be a way. That night he went to
the St. Vincent Hospital, where I was admitted, and visited me. He also bought
some fruits. It was a very awkward situation. I can’t look in his eyes; I can’t
even talk to him directly. All I can do is frowned.
That was not the last time he visited me, he went back
the night before I was discharge in hospital. But because of some
circumstances, Toto, my elder sister, had to leave me and go the other
hospital. I was left with him. We were talking as if we’re friends. He asked, I
answered. He told some stories that he encountered, I laughed. He smiled, I
smiled. Everything seems normal again between the two of us, until I brought up
an old issue.
I broke with him via text message, thinking it might
be better if I won’t see his face, when I’ll tell him I quite. After that we
never had a chance to talk again. When I found out the whole scenario, his
greatest secret, I remained quit. I never attempt to talk to him, or snap him
or whatever. I just stay unmoved. We never talk about the main problem why we
failed in our relationship, in person before. So I’m still clueless about what
will be his reactions, what will be his alibis, what are he going to say or do
when I ask him why.
I told him that some people still asked me about our
break up, that most of them find me very odd, because I still hate him. I was
looking at him when I was saying those words, he kept calm. So I continued.
“May nag tanong
sakin, bakit raw galit pa ako sayo, bakit raw pati mga kaibigan mo
kinakagalitan ko. Napangitilang ako ng sarkastiko. Medyo napapailing pa nga e.
bakit raw hindi pa ako maka move. Natatawa ako ng ewan, kaya kako dun sa taong
nag tanong sakin, kahit ako mismo nag tataka kung bakit ganun. Tapos naiisip ko
bigla ang dahilan.
Nasaktan kasi
ako ng sobra, nasaktan ako kasi nag mahal ako ng sobra. Nag mahal ako, nag
bigay ako, umunawa ako, nag pasensya ako, sumuporta ako, nag patawad ako,
tinanggap ko ang lahat, paulit ulit akong umintindi hanggang sa napagod ako.
Nasaktan ako
kasi, sa lahat ng taong dumaan sa buhay ko, sayo ko lang naramdam yung ganito.
Napaka intense ng pakiramdam na toh. Minsan naiisip ko pa nga kung mararamdaman
ko pa kaya toh sa ibang tao someday.
At oo, nasaktan
ako at nasasaktan parin ako. Pero alam mo yung pinaka masakit sa lahat, kasi
nung tumalikod ako, hindi mo ako hinabol. Pinili mo sya. O baka hindi mo nga
sya pinili, pero ganun nadin ang kinalabasan kasi ako yung tumalikod, at
nanatili ka sakanya. Masakit yun. Yun yung pinaka masakit. Yung pinaramdam mo
sakin na mas sya sa akin. Na mas gusto mo sakanya kaysa sakin”
I was crying so hard then, I feel so hurt, I feel so
devastated. I was like a time bomb, I’ve been silent for so long and when the
time has come, I explode. He was quite shocked, I guess, because he didn’t say
anything. He just took a tissue, put it in my hand and asked me to wipe my
tears. I was looking at him, I wanted to ask, why he still has to say that, he
was wiping my tears before whenever I cry, why he can’t do it anymore, but I
hesitate so I just nodded.
After awhile, he talked. He told me he loves me, that
he really do. But he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore (I found it very silly.
That was bullshit!), that he have been a burden to me for our eight months
relationship, that I have lots of expectations, and he’s not sure that if ever
he’ll come back to me he could please me the way I want him to. So I cursed him,
told him that, tangina namang rason yan!
The rest of our conversation is very private that I
gotta cut it here. So make the long long long story short, we live again as if
that day never come. But oopss! There’s a changes pala.
After that, we started talking again. When he calls, I
answer the phone. We will talk about how our day went through. I even share
some happenings to me. I unblocked him, together with his friends on Facebook, I
text him at times, he greets me at the school whenever I’m alone, then I’ll just
nodded. Whenever I’m absent in the school, he is the one I ask. When I had a Sty,
he also searched about the remedy and instructed me what I should have to do. We’re
like friends. Yea. Friends. We didn’t talk about our past, because I told him
to leave it behind, and we also have this rule that we won’t talk about nasty
things.
We’ve been like that since I was discharge from the
hospital, but we didn’t talk in public. I told him that I don’t want other
people think that were having reconciliation because we’re not, and that won’t
happen anymore. So we just talk thru phone, via text and call, or when I’m
alone and so he is.
Then one day, as we were talking about something, I’ve
told him that I’m in love. The first thing he asked was, to whom. I was smiling
then, a big smile actually, and I told him that I can’t mention the name. I’ll
tell him soon. He just said okay and told me to sleep. After he said good
night, he ended the call and never calls again.
The day after that, I flooded him with text messages.
Telling him some things, asking him different questions, but I only got two
replies. The first one was about our exam; he was asking how was mine, because
he had a hard time doing his. The next message was his answered about the first
name of our instructor in one of our subject. Since that day, he never text and
call me again.
One time, I asked him if he have a patience reading a
long story, or does he ever read a blog, he said no. Though I know the answer
already, I still asked for confirmation. So I’m kinda confident that he won’t
read this article, because if he did, I’ll gonna die.
When he accompanied me to took some photos in Guadalupe
Church, the last photo that we had.
I told him I’m in love. That’s true. In fact, I never
have been in love this way before. I never thought that this would possible. I
fall in love to him several times.
The first time, was 16 months ago, when we had our second date, I was
about to leave when he held my hand and smiled. I fall in love to him almost
every day of my life, even with so much pain and hatred. It doesn’t stop me
from loving him, and for the passed few days, I feel it again. I’m in love with
the worst person I ever known in my whole entire life, to the person I cursed
and hate so much, to the person who broke my heart for the nth time, and to the
only person I love the way I never did to anyone.
Our photo taken in our field trip in Mt. Samat, Bataan.
I’m in love to him, and God knows I’ve tried to ignore
it, to slip it way. I love him, and I’ll gonna love him until I got tired of
loving. I don’t care what we might people say, I don’t care if he had someone
already, I don’t care if it’s only a one way love, I just don’t care, even he doesn't care.
