In Love.

September 9, 2012 2:12 o’clock in the morning.

It’s been more than seven months since the day I broke up with him. Yea. It might sound weird but I was the one who asked for the breakup, but it’s me, who left hanging,

The passed few months, I thought that I got numb already, that I still feel the sadness but I’m no longer in pain, that the worst is through, but I’m was wrong. Ignoring him is not so easy, since were in the same school with the same college. He’s even my classmate to one of my subject, and at times he still call and text. Those things have been a normal thing to me. I just bear to my mind that I should have accepted the fact that he’s still part of my regular days even after the commitment. So ignoring him was the best way to do.

Not until the Habagat came and destroyed some lives. He texted me, asked me how we was, if we were okay, that we should take care because we are in a flood prone area of Marikina. I just read the message, and then ignored it. As I watched the news in television, it covered about all the affected area in Metro Manila and the worst case in Quezon City were along Araneta, near the Delos Santos Hospital, where he’s living. I got really worried so I decided to text him and asked him if he’s okay. The same day, he called up but I refused to answer the call. I was really determined to let it pass and ignore him. The next day, he called again, and the day after that. He kept on calling, so I decided to turn off my phone.

It was Friday when I opened my phone and received some messages from him. I decided to text him back, told him what we went through for the passed few days due of bad weather, I also told him that was sick and it’s getting worst. The next day, I was diagnosed to have a Dengue again and advised to confine in the hospital. I texted him, and told him the situation.

It was Sunday in the afternoon when I received a call from unknown number, answering calls from anonymous is not my type so I just let it pass. After the call, I texted the number and asked who he/she is, then my phone rang again. When I answer the call, he said it him that he just wanted to talk to me and using other’s number could be a way. That night he went to the St. Vincent Hospital, where I was admitted, and visited me. He also bought some fruits. It was a very awkward situation. I can’t look in his eyes; I can’t even talk to him directly. All I can do is frowned.

That was not the last time he visited me, he went back the night before I was discharge in hospital. But because of some circumstances, Toto, my elder sister, had to leave me and go the other hospital. I was left with him. We were talking as if we’re friends. He asked, I answered. He told some stories that he encountered, I laughed. He smiled, I smiled. Everything seems normal again between the two of us, until I brought up an old issue.

I broke with him via text message, thinking it might be better if I won’t see his face, when I’ll tell him I quite. After that we never had a chance to talk again. When I found out the whole scenario, his greatest secret, I remained quit. I never attempt to talk to him, or snap him or whatever. I just stay unmoved. We never talk about the main problem why we failed in our relationship, in person before. So I’m still clueless about what will be his reactions, what will be his alibis, what are he going to say or do when I ask him why.

I told him that some people still asked me about our break up, that most of them find me very odd, because I still hate him. I was looking at him when I was saying those words, he kept calm. So I continued.

“May nag tanong sakin, bakit raw galit pa ako sayo, bakit raw pati mga kaibigan mo kinakagalitan ko. Napangitilang ako ng sarkastiko. Medyo napapailing pa nga e. bakit raw hindi pa ako maka move. Natatawa ako ng ewan, kaya kako dun sa taong nag tanong sakin, kahit ako mismo nag tataka kung bakit ganun. Tapos naiisip ko bigla ang dahilan.

Nasaktan kasi ako ng sobra, nasaktan ako kasi nag mahal ako ng sobra. Nag mahal ako, nag bigay ako, umunawa ako, nag pasensya ako, sumuporta ako, nag patawad ako, tinanggap ko ang lahat, paulit ulit akong umintindi hanggang sa napagod ako.

Nasaktan ako kasi, sa lahat ng taong dumaan sa buhay ko, sayo ko lang naramdam yung ganito. Napaka intense ng pakiramdam na toh. Minsan naiisip ko pa nga kung mararamdaman ko pa kaya toh sa ibang tao someday.

At oo, nasaktan ako at nasasaktan parin ako. Pero alam mo yung pinaka masakit sa lahat, kasi nung tumalikod ako, hindi mo ako hinabol. Pinili mo sya. O baka hindi mo nga sya pinili, pero ganun nadin ang kinalabasan kasi ako yung tumalikod, at nanatili ka sakanya. Masakit yun. Yun yung pinaka masakit. Yung pinaramdam mo sakin na mas sya sa akin. Na mas gusto mo sakanya kaysa sakin”

  

I was crying so hard then, I feel so hurt, I feel so devastated. I was like a time bomb, I’ve been silent for so long and when the time has come, I explode. He was quite shocked, I guess, because he didn’t say anything. He just took a tissue, put it in my hand and asked me to wipe my tears. I was looking at him, I wanted to ask, why he still has to say that, he was wiping my tears before whenever I cry, why he can’t do it anymore, but I hesitate so I just nodded.

After awhile, he talked. He told me he loves me, that he really do. But he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore (I found it very silly. That was bullshit!), that he have been a burden to me for our eight months relationship, that I have lots of expectations, and he’s not sure that if ever he’ll come back to me he could please me the way I want him to. So I cursed him, told him that, tangina namang rason yan!

The rest of our conversation is very private that I gotta cut it here. So make the long long long story short, we live again as if that day never come. But oopss! There’s a changes pala.

After that, we started talking again. When he calls, I answer the phone. We will talk about how our day went through. I even share some happenings to me. I unblocked him, together with his friends on Facebook, I text him at times, he greets me at the school whenever I’m alone, then I’ll just nodded. Whenever I’m absent in the school, he is the one I ask. When I had a Sty, he also searched about the remedy and instructed me what I should have to do. We’re like friends. Yea. Friends. We didn’t talk about our past, because I told him to leave it behind, and we also have this rule that we won’t talk about nasty things.

We’ve been like that since I was discharge from the hospital, but we didn’t talk in public. I told him that I don’t want other people think that were having reconciliation because we’re not, and that won’t happen anymore. So we just talk thru phone, via text and call, or when I’m alone and so he is.

Then one day, as we were talking about something, I’ve told him that I’m in love. The first thing he asked was, to whom. I was smiling then, a big smile actually, and I told him that I can’t mention the name. I’ll tell him soon. He just said okay and told me to sleep. After he said good night, he ended the call and never calls again.

The day after that, I flooded him with text messages. Telling him some things, asking him different questions, but I only got two replies. The first one was about our exam; he was asking how was mine, because he had a hard time doing his. The next message was his answered about the first name of our instructor in one of our subject. Since that day, he never text and call me again.

One time, I asked him if he have a patience reading a long story, or does he ever read a blog, he said no. Though I know the answer already, I still asked for confirmation. So I’m kinda confident that he won’t read this article, because if he did, I’ll gonna die.

When he accompanied me to took some photos in Guadalupe Church, the last photo that we had.

I told him I’m in love. That’s true. In fact, I never have been in love this way before. I never thought that this would possible. I fall in love to him several times.

The first time, was 16 months ago, when we had our second date, I was about to leave when he held my hand and smiled. I fall in love to him almost every day of my life, even with so much pain and hatred. It doesn’t stop me from loving him, and for the passed few days, I feel it again. I’m in love with the worst person I ever known in my whole entire life, to the person I cursed and hate so much, to the person who broke my heart for the nth time, and to the only person I love the way I never did to anyone.

Our photo taken in our field trip in Mt. Samat, Bataan.

I’m in love to him, and God knows I’ve tried to ignore it, to slip it way. I love him, and I’ll gonna love him until I got tired of loving. I don’t care what we might people say, I don’t care if he had someone already, I don’t care if it’s only a one way love, I just don’t care, even he doesn't care.